-Before fear, routines, and expectations, there was a child inside me who knew what freedom felt like.-

Good evening, dear readers.
Today was a calm day, but my mood feels very flat.

Inside myself, today I tried to convince myself that I should see the positive sides of working the 7–3 shift. Things like having weekends off, or being able to sleep better, without the confusion of night shifts. I tried all day to see the good in it, but I’m not really succeeding.

I finish my shift feeling tired. Even if the workload isn’t heavy, I feel exhausted. Physically and mentally. I feel trapped in that bubble of ordinariness that most people are used to.
I can’t do it.

I feel like I have no time. Like a hamster wheel trying to swallow me. I don’t feel comfortable doing this job with this schedule, and what troubles me the most is not knowing how long this will last.

I can’t find time for myself. Time to go grocery shopping at the market. Time to organize my days the way I like, giving space to my goals. I can’t. Time moves too fast, and I only have 24 hours.

Today I didn’t work on my goals at all. And now I’m here, tonight, writing this post after a full day spent outside the house.
I’m exhausted. I feel worn out.

I always try to find happiness and joy, but today it’s hard. Very hard.

When I finished work today, for the first time in my life — something that has never happened — I didn’t feel like running. I had zero motivation to go out and do my 12 km run. I felt overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and melancholy.

My legs and my mind kept telling me:
“Don’t go. Don’t go. You don’t feel like it. Rest.”

But deep down, I knew what the right thing was.
Run.
Put on my shoes.
Shut everything out.
And run.

Move my legs even against my will, step by step, until I finished my 12 km.

Now I’m here, in front of the screen.
I’m sad. I’m tired. And I feel like I don’t belong to all this.

Unfortunately, this is how I am. I endure. I endure. I keep everything inside. And the moment will come when I won’t be able to hold it anymore — and I’ll explode.
I’m a bit scared. I don’t know how I’ll get out of this situation.

I have such a strong hunger and desire to work on my goals that it makes me feel melancholic just thinking that I need to make decisions. Decisions like taking everything, packing my bags, and leaving.

I need to live.
I need air.
I need to work on what I was born to do — on what the inner child inside me knows is right.

For years now, I’ve been ignoring that child. I’ve been silencing his voice. I’ve been suffocating him.

I want to free myself from everything that doesn’t make me feel good, and give priority to that inner self who knows what I truly want.

I know it. I’m just surviving here.

I’m not able to cut the cord yet. It’s been almost three years now — two of them spent enduring and accumulating everything inside. But honestly, I’m reaching my limit.

Now, with the day shift, this feeling is getting even stronger. Before, I was surviving somehow, still managing to carve out time for myself and my goals. Now there’s no escape.

I’m a hamster running non-stop inside a wheel.

Tick tock. Tick tock.
Time flies.

I barely finish work, train, and it’s already time to sleep.
Time is tight.
Time is running.

Decision.
Action.
Freedom.

See you tomorrow, dear readers.
Tomorrow will be another day where I’ll try to smile, despite everything.

See you tomorrow.