-I woke up telling myself to stay positive, but my body and my mind felt trapped. Some days it’s hard to ignore what my inner self is asking for.-

Good evening, dear readers.
Today I tried to do what I said yesterday: to think positively, even though I’m working a shift that doesn’t really allow me to have a life. But honestly, I’m struggling a lot. I feel short of breath. I feel like I’m living a life that doesn’t represent me and that I have no time for myself. I feel trapped, like a mouse in a trap. Still, I did my best to make this morning work. I slept extremely well, I like what I see in the mirror, and I’m dedicating a lot of time to reading. On one side, this gives me a lot of satisfaction: it makes me feel more educated and it puts me into a state of flow. I can read for up to an hour without boredom, and when boredom appears, I change position and keep going. After a while, I reach a limit, and once I overcome it, I enter flow. I feel disconnected from the world, time moves on its own, and I’m completely immersed in what I’m doing.

On one hand, I’m happy to read so much. On the other, I know this reading frenzy comes from the fact that I’m suppressing my dreams and my goals. How long can I keep holding on like this? I don’t know. Every day I tell myself that everything will be fine, that it’s just a phase. I’ve been telling myself this for one year and two months. I keep carrying weight after weight, surviving somehow, but I’m getting close to a breaking point. I’m reaching complete saturation. Before, with shifts, I could manage my days. Now I’m fighting day by day just to reach Friday afternoon and enjoy the weekend. But what kind of life is this? Do I really want to adapt to this kind of “normality”? What keeps me here? Why can’t I say enough and take my own path? Maybe it’s the salary. Maybe it’s my parents’ judgment. Or maybe I’m just afraid of taking a big step. But then I ask myself: what do I really have to lose? If I don’t try now, when will I?

Aside from this, today my legs finally loosened up. I had a great interval session and a solid leg workout at the gym. The positive side of this period is that physically I’m making huge progress. I’m no longer releasing my anxiety through food, but through training, reading, and writing. Writing on my blog helps me unload everything without filters and removes some of the weight I carry every day. My meditation is getting stronger, my routine is shaping my mornings, and for this I’m grateful. I’m grateful to have two legs to run and a roof over my head. I’m trying to stay strong, but it’s not easy.

The first weeks were full of ups and downs, but I was finding balance. Now everything has changed suddenly and I need to restore it. It’s not easy, but I have to do it if I want mental clarity again. Today I promised myself to be kind to everyone and not speak badly about others. I almost succeeded, but I can improve. Sometimes fatigue and anger make me harsh with people, and that’s wrong. I want to be harmonious, joyful, and kind. I don’t want negative conversations, only good ones. I attract kindness and joy into my life. I will find my path.

Good evening, readers. See you tomorrow.