-Today I felt the weight of a system that doesn’t represent who I am, and the struggle of trying to endure it.-

Good evening, dear readers.
Another lap, another run.

As you already know, I’m going through a period where I’m working from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m., and it’s really putting me to the test. I’m struggling to accept this schedule, because it takes away the inner peace I try so hard to protect. For me, working like this feels like being a hamster running endlessly on a wheel, chasing days and waiting for the weekend to arrive. I’m not someone who can tolerate this kind of routine. I feel deprived of my time, the only thing that truly matters to me.

This is not about money. It’s not about power. It’s about time.
The ability to manage and organize my own time is essential to me, and working like this makes me feel like a slave to a system. A system built on consumerism and envy, run by people whose only interest is power. I want out of this system. I’m not made for this.

Even though I keep going and try to be grateful for what I have, this situation is slowly eating me from the inside. Every morning I start my day at 5:30, even though work starts at 7. Having a morning routine where I can prioritize my well-being through meditation, writing, and reading matters more to me than anything else. I’ve reached a point where I feel like I can’t tolerate much more.

Before, with my old shifts, I felt like I had control over my life. Now I feel like I’m part of a system I don’t belong to. I used to feel this way before too, but now it’s much stronger, much louder. Every morning I try to reassure myself, telling myself that everything will be fine, that I should smile and be happy, that I should attract positive feelings. But I can’t find the strength to truly let those emotions in.

I’m questioning everything. Absolutely everything. I try to find something positive, but it’s really hard. Why do I have to be a slave to a system that doesn’t represent me? Why do I have so many ideas, yet I don’t feel strong enough to pursue them? It feels like a powerful resistance is pressing down on me. I know what I want to create in my life, but I lack the energy to act. I feel apathetic, like my inner fire is dimmed.

I know this is on me. I know I’m the one who has to light that fire again. I need to reconnect with the strength I had as a child, to allow myself to dream, to imagine, to create my own reality. I know, Matteo. I know. It’s up to me. Only me.

I want to attract joy and motivation to pursue my projects. I truly want it. I want to create my own reality. I don’t want to be tied to a social system based on values that don’t reflect who I am.

Despite everything, today I had a good workout. I ran 15 km. At first it was against my will, but after two or three kilometers my legs took over. My mind shut off completely. My legs just kept going, step after step, until the timer stopped. And in that moment, I felt myself being pulled back into a world that doesn’t belong to me.

I run to disconnect from all of this. I run to enter my own reality, where there’s no space for negative thoughts, only effort, sweat, and resilience. Running far. Running fast. As far as possible.

Today I also spent some time with my dad, and that meant a lot to me. It had been a while since we spent time together, just the two of us, outside of running. Sometimes I enjoy being with him, even though most of the time I shut myself in my room, lost in my thoughts and my books.

Tomorrow is another day. I’ll try to make it better than today… or at least I’ll try. But I want to succeed. I don’t want to spend my life complaining about conditions I put myself in. That means I need to allow myself to be happy, calm, and kind. But I have to truly want it.

Good evening, dear readers.
See you tomorrow.