-A hard conversation with myself. Food, control, and learning to accept who I am-

Good afternoon, dear readers.

Today the sky is gray, just like my mood. Today I want to publicly address my toxic relationship with food.

I’ve always been someone who enjoys eating. I had an adolescence where I almost never went to the beach, or at least I never showed myself shirtless. I’ve always had inferiority complexes compared to those with a good physique.

It took me years to build what I am today, but at what cost? The cost of the sacrifices I had to make, of all those times I refused to go out to dinner with friends for fear of gaining weight again, to the point of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.

I spent a very long time not appreciating myself for the person I was and the person I am. Even now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I struggle to like myself, despite the efforts and sacrifices I make.

I spent the last four or five years weighing and tracking the calories of every single food. I spent years where, if I went out to dinner, I would feel guilty for days afterward. I spent years having to give up parties, ceremonies, and dinners with friends, just because of the fear of going back to where I started.

And that’s where my binge-eating episodes began.

I’ve only recently understood that it’s not the single dinner out that ruins your condition or your progress. It’s what happens after the dinner.

Talking about this is not easy for me, but I want to free myself from this skeleton in the closet. I’m talking about binge eating. Feeling the need to unload your fears, anxieties, and worries onto food, ending up eating anything — sweet or savory — until you feel like you’re about to explode.

I don’t even know exactly how many times this has happened to me over the past years. Certainly at least three or four times a month during the previous years.

Only now do I understand what it was — and what it still is.

When I realize that something in my life isn’t going well, or when I feel sadness or fear, the only thing that seems to comfort me in the moment is food — or at least I think it does. Because as soon as I finish eating that much, guilt and sadness immediately set in for what I’ve just done.

It almost became an addiction.

I started my weight-loss journey years ago, and every Saturday I had my “free meal.” I believe it all started with this mindset. Forcing myself to have one free meal a week made me anxious, with my mind wandering all week about what food I would eat during that meal.

I’ve carried this mentality with me for years, and only now am I fully realizing how much of a struggle it has been for me.

You might wonder why I want to talk to you about this today. I’m sharing it because I want to stop having these episodes and learn to enjoy food, instead of seeing every food as a number. Yes, that’s exactly it — I no longer see food for what it really is. I perceive it as numbers, as calories.

I wanted to talk about this today because this morning, while buying bread at the bakery, the clerk gave me a small piece of bread to taste, to see if I liked it. My first reaction wasn’t pleasure or appreciation for the gesture or the chance to try something new. My first thought was punishing myself mentally, saying: “I’m cheating, I wonder how many calories this is, I’ll remove some bread from lunch later.”

After spending fifteen minutes of my life ruminating over this and creating countless worries, I stopped and reflected. I asked myself whether it was really worth wasting time formulating negative thoughts that felt logical to my mind, and whether I was truly cheating on my diet.

That’s when something clicked.

I realized how obsessed I am with always eating “perfectly” and never allowing myself something different without labeling it as a mistake.

The real problem isn’t the piece of bread. The real problem is my uncontrolled binge-eating episodes, where I end up eating junk food.

I want to slowly regain full control of myself. I want to try to eliminate binge-eating episodes, even though I know it’s not easy. I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel at peace with who I am.

But all of this starts from a very important point: every addiction, every binge-eating episode, is caused by stress and fear.

As I’ve already shared with you about my anxiety and concerns around finding my Ikigai, or even just the idea — written in my goals — of changing city, job, and people, all of this creates a strong sense of pressure inside me.

I constantly live with anxiety, feeling like I need to do better and more, yet I never stop to acknowledge the person I am right now. I’m always trapped between the future and the past, when the only thing that truly matters is the HERE AND NOW.

I punish myself for feeling behind compared to others, but I’m not behind at all. The only thing I can decide is how to live this exact moment, the choices I can make NOW, not the ones I might make someday.

And this is where I struggle the most.

It’s been a year now that I haven’t felt good with myself. I constantly feel a sense of suffocation and melancholy tied to where I am right now. I expect much more from my life, and maybe it’s this rush that makes me feel late.

I know what I want. I know where I’d like to go. But I don’t yet know how to make it concrete.

I also know that right now I’m not capable of making decisions. I keep telling myself, “Yes, I’ll do it,” “Yes, in one year I’ll go.” I need to learn how to make decisions, to put myself first and then others. Unfortunately, I will hurt someone by doing so, but I must chase my dreams — not the dreams others have projected onto me. Those are their ideas, not mine.

My life is mine. If I don’t make decisions, my entire life will be guided by the dreams of others.

I’ve often talked with my parents about wanting to change where I live or have experiences abroad. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much success. They see my job as a “safe point” for my future. They ask me why I don’t buy a car, or why I’m not happy with my job.

The reason is complex, but all I know is that this isn’t my place right now. I need experiences. I don’t want to be tied down by mortgages or loans.

I’ve always been someone attached to money and material things. Even now, I’m still somewhat materialistic. I like dressing well, buying new running shoes, and things like that. But if there’s one attachment I’m distancing myself from, it’s buying a car, changing phones, or going into debt at this age just to prove to others what I own.

Over the past year, I’ve learned how much I’m moving away from attachment to money, and how much I prefer experiences — traveling, eating new foods, exploring — instead of constantly thinking about money.

For years, I tried to make as much money as possible, as if that could give me happiness. But in the last year I’ve realized something important: for me, happiness means FREEDOM.

Freedom to travel and work wherever I want. Freedom from physical and material attachment. Freedom from objects.

I want to give space to my creativity, live doing what I love, and move whenever I feel the need to move.

I’m very grateful for this shift away from money, and I appreciate it deeply.

Everything I’m searching for comes down to freedom.

I don’t need much in life, but I do need those few things that make me happy: running, training, traveling, and documenting my journeys, capturing new places and cultures through my own eyes and camera.

I just need to figure out how.

I don’t want to rush, but at the same time I need to take action. I need to pursue something. Even if I’m not completely sure yet, I need to focus on something and commit to it. This is about resilience, not luck.

For a long time, my biggest thought was: “What if I fail? What if no one likes it?” Now I’m starting to wonder if the real failure isn’t actually never trying. Not starting out of fear of failing — that is the real failure.

I need to bring clarity to my thoughts and decide what to pursue. I need to ask myself: “What makes me happy today, and what can I do to make my day better?” I don’t need to obsess over the future. I need to fix my life HERE AND NOW.

I need resilience and consistency to pursue something. It may fail — and that’s where true strength lies: in getting back up and trying again until I reach what I want.

It’s worth trying.

I don’t want to live with regrets, wondering what would have happened if I had tried. If what I want to pursue makes me happy, then it’s worth going after.

I want to return to the topic of binge eating and the fact that I no longer want to see food as a number. I want to be happy and free from thoughts and anxiety that push me to cope through eating.

I’m glad I talked about this. I’m glad I found the courage to open up publicly and acknowledge something deeply personal that I’ve decided to face and work through with everything I have.

I found the strength to bring up a topic I had buried deep inside my mind for years — something that needed to be resolved.

I feel good writing this now. It’s given me motivation to face it once and for all.

I want to close this chapter of my life that has lasted for years. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without judgment, but with acceptance. I want to enjoy dinners out without ending the night binge eating, and above all, without guilt after eating.

Dear readers, I wish you a good day.
See you tomorrow.