matteoraschini

-After long day, sometimes all you need is a dark room, a screen, and a story.-

Good afternoon dear readers, and happy Friday.
Today I promised myself that I would try to be as happy as possible, to use my time well, and to somehow look for the positive side of things. And honestly, I have to admit it: time at work, even if it was heavy, passed very quickly. I didn’t live it with anger or resentment toward others, and not even toward myself. I simply tried to stay in the moment.

Of course, I won’t deny it — thoughts still wander through my head — but I’m trying to give them the right weight. Today I faced the day in a calmer way. Was it my approach that changed, or simply the fact that tomorrow I don’t work and can finally rest? I guess we’ll find out on Monday. For now, another workday is over.

Even if the workload isn’t intense, it creates a deep physical and mental tiredness. Every time I leave that place, I feel drained, without energy or motivation to complete all the things waiting for me. Still, this week I held on. It wasn’t easy. There were more bad days than good ones. I carried a lot of suppressed anger and resentment inside my body, so strong that it blurred my view of reality.

I felt regret, sadness, and even anger toward myself and others. I want to change the way I look at work. I know — deeply — that this is not the job made for me, and that I constantly feel trapped. But if I only focus on the negative sides, my mental endurance collapses. It becomes unbearable.

Trying to face work from a different perspective might help me reduce stress and protect my mental energy, so I can focus on my projects instead. Being more relaxed would mean fewer negative thoughts invading my mind, fewer dark mental movies that drain everything positive inside me. So yes, I want to face this situation in a more constructive and calm way. I don’t want to spend my days drowning in negative and heavy thoughts anymore.

Yesterday, in the end, I let myself go. I ate the cake for my mom’s birthday. I wanted to make her happy. I didn’t eat pizza, but I shared the dessert with her. I’m happy I did that. It felt like a small victory against my eating disorder. One point for me. I’m proud of that.

I just came back from a 13 km run. Physically, I’m tired. Mentally, I feel strong enough to run for an hour without major problems. I’m running without music lately. I’m trying to listen to my body, to stay with my thoughts, and to enjoy the present moment. Music helps during long runs, that’s true, but I really enjoy listening to my breath and my body. It almost feels like meditation. Focusing on breathing in and out, emptying my mind, and staying in the moment without drifting too far.

Yesterday, after my run, I felt some pain in my calf. After oil and massage, I thought it was gone, but today my legs were still stiff, and at the end of the run I felt some tension again. I booked a physiotherapy session. It’s an expense, but I prefer to invest in my health, take care of pain early, and run peacefully instead of ignoring it until it becomes something worse. Prevention is better than cure.

Tomorrow I don’t work, but a 20 km run is waiting for me. A tough session, for sure. But like everything else, it can be overcome. Honestly, after this dark week full of emotional repression, tomorrow’s run feels like the least difficult challenge I’ll face.

Today I feel good. In one hour I’ll be at the cinema with Thomas, watching a movie. It’s been a long time since I last went to the cinema, and tonight I really want to enjoy it. I’ve been waiting almost a month for the release of Marty Supreme, and I’m genuinely excited. When I saw the trailer, I immediately loved it, and I promised myself I would go see it as soon as it came out. Today is that day.

What also makes me happy is sharing time with a friend, talking, laughing, and enjoying a simple moment together. Despite the tiredness, I can’t wait to sit in that chair and enjoy the evening.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how the movie was.
Have a good evening, dear readers. See you tomorrow.

-Today I felt the weight of a system that doesn’t represent who I am, and the struggle of trying to endure it.-

Good evening, dear readers.
Another lap, another run.

As you already know, I’m going through a period where I’m working from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m., and it’s really putting me to the test. I’m struggling to accept this schedule, because it takes away the inner peace I try so hard to protect. For me, working like this feels like being a hamster running endlessly on a wheel, chasing days and waiting for the weekend to arrive. I’m not someone who can tolerate this kind of routine. I feel deprived of my time, the only thing that truly matters to me.

This is not about money. It’s not about power. It’s about time.
The ability to manage and organize my own time is essential to me, and working like this makes me feel like a slave to a system. A system built on consumerism and envy, run by people whose only interest is power. I want out of this system. I’m not made for this.

Even though I keep going and try to be grateful for what I have, this situation is slowly eating me from the inside. Every morning I start my day at 5:30, even though work starts at 7. Having a morning routine where I can prioritize my well-being through meditation, writing, and reading matters more to me than anything else. I’ve reached a point where I feel like I can’t tolerate much more.

Before, with my old shifts, I felt like I had control over my life. Now I feel like I’m part of a system I don’t belong to. I used to feel this way before too, but now it’s much stronger, much louder. Every morning I try to reassure myself, telling myself that everything will be fine, that I should smile and be happy, that I should attract positive feelings. But I can’t find the strength to truly let those emotions in.

I’m questioning everything. Absolutely everything. I try to find something positive, but it’s really hard. Why do I have to be a slave to a system that doesn’t represent me? Why do I have so many ideas, yet I don’t feel strong enough to pursue them? It feels like a powerful resistance is pressing down on me. I know what I want to create in my life, but I lack the energy to act. I feel apathetic, like my inner fire is dimmed.

I know this is on me. I know I’m the one who has to light that fire again. I need to reconnect with the strength I had as a child, to allow myself to dream, to imagine, to create my own reality. I know, Matteo. I know. It’s up to me. Only me.

I want to attract joy and motivation to pursue my projects. I truly want it. I want to create my own reality. I don’t want to be tied to a social system based on values that don’t reflect who I am.

Despite everything, today I had a good workout. I ran 15 km. At first it was against my will, but after two or three kilometers my legs took over. My mind shut off completely. My legs just kept going, step after step, until the timer stopped. And in that moment, I felt myself being pulled back into a world that doesn’t belong to me.

I run to disconnect from all of this. I run to enter my own reality, where there’s no space for negative thoughts, only effort, sweat, and resilience. Running far. Running fast. As far as possible.

Today I also spent some time with my dad, and that meant a lot to me. It had been a while since we spent time together, just the two of us, outside of running. Sometimes I enjoy being with him, even though most of the time I shut myself in my room, lost in my thoughts and my books.

Tomorrow is another day. I’ll try to make it better than today… or at least I’ll try. But I want to succeed. I don’t want to spend my life complaining about conditions I put myself in. That means I need to allow myself to be happy, calm, and kind. But I have to truly want it.

Good evening, dear readers.
See you tomorrow.

-Before fear, routines, and expectations, there was a child inside me who knew what freedom felt like.-

Good evening, dear readers.
Today was a calm day, but my mood feels very flat.

Inside myself, today I tried to convince myself that I should see the positive sides of working the 7–3 shift. Things like having weekends off, or being able to sleep better, without the confusion of night shifts. I tried all day to see the good in it, but I’m not really succeeding.

I finish my shift feeling tired. Even if the workload isn’t heavy, I feel exhausted. Physically and mentally. I feel trapped in that bubble of ordinariness that most people are used to.
I can’t do it.

I feel like I have no time. Like a hamster wheel trying to swallow me. I don’t feel comfortable doing this job with this schedule, and what troubles me the most is not knowing how long this will last.

I can’t find time for myself. Time to go grocery shopping at the market. Time to organize my days the way I like, giving space to my goals. I can’t. Time moves too fast, and I only have 24 hours.

Today I didn’t work on my goals at all. And now I’m here, tonight, writing this post after a full day spent outside the house.
I’m exhausted. I feel worn out.

I always try to find happiness and joy, but today it’s hard. Very hard.

When I finished work today, for the first time in my life — something that has never happened — I didn’t feel like running. I had zero motivation to go out and do my 12 km run. I felt overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and melancholy.

My legs and my mind kept telling me:
“Don’t go. Don’t go. You don’t feel like it. Rest.”

But deep down, I knew what the right thing was.
Run.
Put on my shoes.
Shut everything out.
And run.

Move my legs even against my will, step by step, until I finished my 12 km.

Now I’m here, in front of the screen.
I’m sad. I’m tired. And I feel like I don’t belong to all this.

Unfortunately, this is how I am. I endure. I endure. I keep everything inside. And the moment will come when I won’t be able to hold it anymore — and I’ll explode.
I’m a bit scared. I don’t know how I’ll get out of this situation.

I have such a strong hunger and desire to work on my goals that it makes me feel melancholic just thinking that I need to make decisions. Decisions like taking everything, packing my bags, and leaving.

I need to live.
I need air.
I need to work on what I was born to do — on what the inner child inside me knows is right.

For years now, I’ve been ignoring that child. I’ve been silencing his voice. I’ve been suffocating him.

I want to free myself from everything that doesn’t make me feel good, and give priority to that inner self who knows what I truly want.

I know it. I’m just surviving here.

I’m not able to cut the cord yet. It’s been almost three years now — two of them spent enduring and accumulating everything inside. But honestly, I’m reaching my limit.

Now, with the day shift, this feeling is getting even stronger. Before, I was surviving somehow, still managing to carve out time for myself and my goals. Now there’s no escape.

I’m a hamster running non-stop inside a wheel.

Tick tock. Tick tock.
Time flies.

I barely finish work, train, and it’s already time to sleep.
Time is tight.
Time is running.

Decision.
Action.
Freedom.

See you tomorrow, dear readers.
Tomorrow will be another day where I’ll try to smile, despite everything.

See you tomorrow.