matteoraschini

-A hard conversation with myself. Food, control, and learning to accept who I am-

Good afternoon, dear readers.

Today the sky is gray, just like my mood. Today I want to publicly address my toxic relationship with food.

I’ve always been someone who enjoys eating. I had an adolescence where I almost never went to the beach, or at least I never showed myself shirtless. I’ve always had inferiority complexes compared to those with a good physique.

It took me years to build what I am today, but at what cost? The cost of the sacrifices I had to make, of all those times I refused to go out to dinner with friends for fear of gaining weight again, to the point of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.

I spent a very long time not appreciating myself for the person I was and the person I am. Even now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I struggle to like myself, despite the efforts and sacrifices I make.

I spent the last four or five years weighing and tracking the calories of every single food. I spent years where, if I went out to dinner, I would feel guilty for days afterward. I spent years having to give up parties, ceremonies, and dinners with friends, just because of the fear of going back to where I started.

And that’s where my binge-eating episodes began.

I’ve only recently understood that it’s not the single dinner out that ruins your condition or your progress. It’s what happens after the dinner.

Talking about this is not easy for me, but I want to free myself from this skeleton in the closet. I’m talking about binge eating. Feeling the need to unload your fears, anxieties, and worries onto food, ending up eating anything — sweet or savory — until you feel like you’re about to explode.

I don’t even know exactly how many times this has happened to me over the past years. Certainly at least three or four times a month during the previous years.

Only now do I understand what it was — and what it still is.

When I realize that something in my life isn’t going well, or when I feel sadness or fear, the only thing that seems to comfort me in the moment is food — or at least I think it does. Because as soon as I finish eating that much, guilt and sadness immediately set in for what I’ve just done.

It almost became an addiction.

I started my weight-loss journey years ago, and every Saturday I had my “free meal.” I believe it all started with this mindset. Forcing myself to have one free meal a week made me anxious, with my mind wandering all week about what food I would eat during that meal.

I’ve carried this mentality with me for years, and only now am I fully realizing how much of a struggle it has been for me.

You might wonder why I want to talk to you about this today. I’m sharing it because I want to stop having these episodes and learn to enjoy food, instead of seeing every food as a number. Yes, that’s exactly it — I no longer see food for what it really is. I perceive it as numbers, as calories.

I wanted to talk about this today because this morning, while buying bread at the bakery, the clerk gave me a small piece of bread to taste, to see if I liked it. My first reaction wasn’t pleasure or appreciation for the gesture or the chance to try something new. My first thought was punishing myself mentally, saying: “I’m cheating, I wonder how many calories this is, I’ll remove some bread from lunch later.”

After spending fifteen minutes of my life ruminating over this and creating countless worries, I stopped and reflected. I asked myself whether it was really worth wasting time formulating negative thoughts that felt logical to my mind, and whether I was truly cheating on my diet.

That’s when something clicked.

I realized how obsessed I am with always eating “perfectly” and never allowing myself something different without labeling it as a mistake.

The real problem isn’t the piece of bread. The real problem is my uncontrolled binge-eating episodes, where I end up eating junk food.

I want to slowly regain full control of myself. I want to try to eliminate binge-eating episodes, even though I know it’s not easy. I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel at peace with who I am.

But all of this starts from a very important point: every addiction, every binge-eating episode, is caused by stress and fear.

As I’ve already shared with you about my anxiety and concerns around finding my Ikigai, or even just the idea — written in my goals — of changing city, job, and people, all of this creates a strong sense of pressure inside me.

I constantly live with anxiety, feeling like I need to do better and more, yet I never stop to acknowledge the person I am right now. I’m always trapped between the future and the past, when the only thing that truly matters is the HERE AND NOW.

I punish myself for feeling behind compared to others, but I’m not behind at all. The only thing I can decide is how to live this exact moment, the choices I can make NOW, not the ones I might make someday.

And this is where I struggle the most.

It’s been a year now that I haven’t felt good with myself. I constantly feel a sense of suffocation and melancholy tied to where I am right now. I expect much more from my life, and maybe it’s this rush that makes me feel late.

I know what I want. I know where I’d like to go. But I don’t yet know how to make it concrete.

I also know that right now I’m not capable of making decisions. I keep telling myself, “Yes, I’ll do it,” “Yes, in one year I’ll go.” I need to learn how to make decisions, to put myself first and then others. Unfortunately, I will hurt someone by doing so, but I must chase my dreams — not the dreams others have projected onto me. Those are their ideas, not mine.

My life is mine. If I don’t make decisions, my entire life will be guided by the dreams of others.

I’ve often talked with my parents about wanting to change where I live or have experiences abroad. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much success. They see my job as a “safe point” for my future. They ask me why I don’t buy a car, or why I’m not happy with my job.

The reason is complex, but all I know is that this isn’t my place right now. I need experiences. I don’t want to be tied down by mortgages or loans.

I’ve always been someone attached to money and material things. Even now, I’m still somewhat materialistic. I like dressing well, buying new running shoes, and things like that. But if there’s one attachment I’m distancing myself from, it’s buying a car, changing phones, or going into debt at this age just to prove to others what I own.

Over the past year, I’ve learned how much I’m moving away from attachment to money, and how much I prefer experiences — traveling, eating new foods, exploring — instead of constantly thinking about money.

For years, I tried to make as much money as possible, as if that could give me happiness. But in the last year I’ve realized something important: for me, happiness means FREEDOM.

Freedom to travel and work wherever I want. Freedom from physical and material attachment. Freedom from objects.

I want to give space to my creativity, live doing what I love, and move whenever I feel the need to move.

I’m very grateful for this shift away from money, and I appreciate it deeply.

Everything I’m searching for comes down to freedom.

I don’t need much in life, but I do need those few things that make me happy: running, training, traveling, and documenting my journeys, capturing new places and cultures through my own eyes and camera.

I just need to figure out how.

I don’t want to rush, but at the same time I need to take action. I need to pursue something. Even if I’m not completely sure yet, I need to focus on something and commit to it. This is about resilience, not luck.

For a long time, my biggest thought was: “What if I fail? What if no one likes it?” Now I’m starting to wonder if the real failure isn’t actually never trying. Not starting out of fear of failing — that is the real failure.

I need to bring clarity to my thoughts and decide what to pursue. I need to ask myself: “What makes me happy today, and what can I do to make my day better?” I don’t need to obsess over the future. I need to fix my life HERE AND NOW.

I need resilience and consistency to pursue something. It may fail — and that’s where true strength lies: in getting back up and trying again until I reach what I want.

It’s worth trying.

I don’t want to live with regrets, wondering what would have happened if I had tried. If what I want to pursue makes me happy, then it’s worth going after.

I want to return to the topic of binge eating and the fact that I no longer want to see food as a number. I want to be happy and free from thoughts and anxiety that push me to cope through eating.

I’m glad I talked about this. I’m glad I found the courage to open up publicly and acknowledge something deeply personal that I’ve decided to face and work through with everything I have.

I found the strength to bring up a topic I had buried deep inside my mind for years — something that needed to be resolved.

I feel good writing this now. It’s given me motivation to face it once and for all.

I want to close this chapter of my life that has lasted for years. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without judgment, but with acceptance. I want to enjoy dinners out without ending the night binge eating, and above all, without guilt after eating.

Dear readers, I wish you a good day.
See you tomorrow.

-Running, resistance, and mental control.-

Good evening, dear readers.

Today has been a particularly intense day. I took a work-related exam that, unfortunately, didn’t go very well. Even though the job I do isn’t something I truly enjoy, I was still a bit disappointed. I know I should be grateful to have a salary, but it’s not my path. I’ve tried to make it work, but nothing changes — the need to do something else has been constant for over a year now. I don’t want to dwell too much on this, so let’s move on.

Today was a double training day. The second session of my new road to a three-hour marathon program. Very demanding. I felt a lot of fatigue, but it’s the kind of fatigue I like — the kind that makes the rest of the day feel lighter and happier.

I love running. In the past, I hated it, but over time I’ve learned to appreciate it. I love the sensations it gives me: freedom, inner dialogue, effort. I love being able to move my body with my own legs, to cover long distances, or simply to run fast. The rush of adrenaline mixed with happiness that running gives me is something I’ve never felt with any other sport.

Running far allows me to have a dialogue with myself, where day after day I try to face doubts, problems, and worries that wander through my thoughts. If I had to choose one word to define this sport, it would be FREEDOM. You put on your shoes, get dressed, and go. You don’t need anything except your body and your mind.

I’ve realized that long distances are what I want to train for. And you might wonder why. It’s not about crossing finish lines — it’s about controlling my mind. And what better way than managing hours and hours of running alone? Forging my mind through running is my purpose. I want to reach every limit and push beyond it.

Of course, I’m still competitive. I care about the times I set as goals. But recently there’s been a mental shift. The goal is no longer just to run because I have to, or only to improve my physical shape. That’s now secondary. I run to see where my mental limits are — and to break them. I want to control my mind, not the other way around.

I also want to talk about how my 75-day challenge is going. I no longer feel the constant need to open Instagram and scroll compulsively. Sometimes the impulse is there — wanting to check stories and see what people are doing — but I suppress it and choose something else instead. My social media time is under 30 minutes a day. I’m satisfied, and very happy about it.

My decision to control my caffeine addiction is also going very well. I’ve reduced my intake from five coffees a day to just one, before training. This was hard. During the first three days, avoiding caffeine in the first 90 minutes after waking up and drinking only one coffee before training caused chronic fatigue, forcing me to take 30-minute power naps for two afternoons in a row. From the fourth day onward, the fatigue disappeared. I now feel full of energy even without coffee.

I’m happy that I’m fighting RESISTANCE, and I won’t hide the fact that I’m winning. I’m also glad I’ve found my ideal morning routine: waking up without using my phone, meditating, writing, and reading gives me a sense of fulfillment and helps me start the day calm and grounded. Training at least once a day is non-negotiable.

It’s now been seven days without episodes of binge eating. It’s still early, and I don’t want to celebrate too soon, but there’s one thing I can say: I WIN against RESISTANCE. It won’t have me.

Another day of thinking about wanting to spend time abroad, completely change my environment and the people around me, and feel new things. I don’t want to use change as a way to escape my problems, but I’m a born traveler. I need to explore, to change environments often, and to discover new cultures.

Japanese philosophy feels deeply aligned with who I am. Maybe that’s why it’s always on my mind. I’m fascinated by Japan — not only for its beautiful places and incredible food, but for the simplicity and genuineness that the people seem to embody. It’s a country that gives me a sense of peace, where people aren’t obsessed with rushing, but prefer slowness. Enjoying every single moment of life, without hurry.

I want to fully explore their culture and learn as much as possible from it. I want to capture and share many videos and photos.

With that said, dear readers, I wish you a good evening.
See you tomorrow.

-Listening to my gut instead of fear.-

Good morning, dear readers.

Today, despite the cloudy sky, it’s a beautiful day and I feel very fresh. I started with a good run from my new marathon training program. I’m happy.

I slept really well last night, followed my morning routine, and I feel ready to face the day. Today I’m leaving for a three-day work trip, and I’m glad to break away a bit from my usual routine.

This morning I was thinking about something that has been with me for a long time. I’m tired of going out with friends and realizing that most conversations revolve around talking about other people and making judgments. I no longer want that. From now on, if I go out, I want my conversations — and the only words coming out of my mouth — to be positive. I want to talk about life, travel, beautiful and meaningful things, without giving space to conversations that go nowhere.

This morning I also thought about how excited I am about the idea of going to Japan. I don’t know why, but whenever I talk about it or look at photos, it gives me a deep sense of peace and calm.

I’m obsessed with traveling. I deeply love discovering new places, running in new countries, and trying local food. If I could choose what to do for the rest of my life, I think traveling, training, and photographing would be all I need. And I want it to be that way — but I need to find a way to make a living and stay true to myself.

We dream big, but we do very little to achieve those dreams. I need that spark — the kind of obsession that pushes me to pursue my goals relentlessly. Sometimes I feel like I give up on life and surrender, but that’s not who I am. I need to fight this RESISTANCE that works against me. I can’t let it win. I need to overcome it.

I am strong. I know what I want from my life. I just need to find the strength to go against the current.

I know I will hurt people who try to protect me by telling me not to leave my comfort zone, not to take risks, to keep my job because it’s a “safe place.” But I feel anything but safe. I feel sadness at the idea of wasting my time doing a job that doesn’t fulfill me.

Of course, I’m grateful to have a salary and a roof over my head — but it’s not what I want.

By nature, I’m someone who goes against the current. I’ve never really followed the crowd. I’ve always done things my own way. I know I will hurt people who love me and want to protect me, but it’s time for me to follow my path, not the one they think is right for me.

Sometimes we need to stop thinking with our head and start listening to our gut and our heart. We need to follow what makes us feel alive, not what others have programmed us to do.

The idea of a “safe place” fills me with sadness and anxiety. On one hand, I know I’m lucky to have my current job and income. On the other, I’m afraid — afraid of never pursuing my goals because I’m trapped inside the comfort zone.

I don’t want to spend forty years of my life in a “safe place” just to retire. I don’t want to wait until retirement to start living. I don’t want to give away forty years of my life following someone else’s path.

I will do everything I can to achieve the goals I set and visualize. I am strong. I know I’m missing that spark and that fire right now, but I also know it will come from within me.

I want to take my time, not compare myself to anyone, and not feel late. This is my life, my path. Time and dedication are the only things I truly believe in.

I will pursue all my goals, whatever it takes.

Dear readers, I wish you a good day.
See you tomorrow.

–Learning to stop comparing and stay on my own timeline.–

Good morning, readers, or rather, by now, good evening.

Today I woke up with a bit of a sore throat, and the day started at four in the morning. Am I tired? Certainly, but like every day I’m trying to be the best version of myself.

I know I need to make decisions. I always complain about my exhausting job and about the fact that it takes up a lot of my time, but on the other hand I’m grateful to have a salary and a home. I complain a lot, even though there is much worse to complain about in the world.

But things need to change. I need air, to be a bit independent, and to change environment and people. I feel a bit out of place, as if I’m not understood. Maybe it’s also because I’m tired after this day, and now I’m letting my thoughts breathe, but the fact that I can’t find my reason for living, my ikigai to pursue, makes me feel frustrated.

Despite this, I don’t want to stay here obsessing over the past or over my thoughts, but I want to live the moment of NOW.

So let’s look at today in a positive way. I started work earlier to help a colleague, followed my morning ritual of a glass of water, did journaling, and controlled my daily caffeine impulse by drinking only one coffee.

Am I happy? Yes. I know I could be happier, but I don’t care. I want to reward myself for these small actions that are shaping me. Since I started this challenge, I’ve reduced the time spent on my phone by six times compared to before, and the time spent scrolling by ten times. I am grateful for this.

Sometimes we always want more, more, and more. We never stop to focus on the progress we make. We never say thank you or offer a few words of comfort to the person we’re becoming, and this is wrong.

Life is now. I need to be proud of who I am and where I am. I need to stop thinking with that unhealthy mind that always tends to compare itself with others.

I always tend, in everything, to find a point of comparison with those who are more successful than me, with those who are always happy and who have their ikigai, or with those who have made it in their life.

But objectively, behind compared to whom? We are not all the same. There are those who build their entrepreneurial work at 20, those at 30, and those who, like many painters and writers, are understood and praised only in the last years of their lives.

We are not all the same. We must not force ourselves to find our path immediately, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be the same path as the person we praise for their success. I am me. They are them. STOP COMPARING.

Since I scroll less on social media, this has eased. By not scrolling, I have no reason to envy someone or to feel anxious because people are more successful than me. Instead, I try to scroll in an intelligent way, looking for sources of inspiration for what my ikigai will be.

I don’t want to force things. I don’t want to feel behind compared to anyone, but I want to feel MYSELF. To wait, to search, to try to be the best version of myself. The person who is disciplined, who loves training, who loves traveling alone, and who loves photography. This is me.

And you might ask: how can you define yourself like this if you say you still haven’t found your ikigai? Yes, I can define the areas I love, but I still don’t know how to express myself, how to give life to my art.

I still feel like a butterfly inside its cocoon, waiting to come out. This is how I feel now. I don’t want to force the exit, I don’t want to rush things. I just want to be able to do better every day that passes until I can express my art, my true nature.

I know I would have liked to talk more about what ikigai is, but unfortunately it’s late and it’s time to say goodbye, but that doesn’t mean I won’t talk about it. However, I’m leaving you my list of goals for 2026!?

I may have been quite ambitious, certainly, but I don’t care. I will do everything I can to achieve them one by one. It’s a promise. To the me of now and to the me as a child.

See you tomorrow, dear readers.